I've been dreading writing this post. When I started this blog I never imagined that it would be so difficult to put everything into words.
To say these past two weeks have been challenging does not even begin to describe my reality. That person filled with hope and optimism has faded...replaced with sadness.
On June 6th, we had my mom's post treatment appointment with her
oncologist. She received a CT scan following nearly seven months of
standard treatment (18 weeks of chemo and surgery). Unfortunately, we
did not receive the news we had so desperately hoped to hear. My mom's
CT scan revealed remaining cancerous nodules in her abdominal cavity,
and while they are small, their presence is concerning.
The long story short is that the remaining cancer has grown
resistant to the chemo, which is considered the most aggressive and
effective option available on the market. Sadly, this means she has not achieved a
"complete response" and is unlikely to ever to reach this mark, even
with a change of chemo (although, anything is possible).
The oncologist presented three options: 1) immediately start
on a new chemo drug in an attempt to reduce the amount of cancer
remaining; 2) start on a maintenance drug and hope it keeps the cancer
at bay; 3) take the summer off and come back in three months to
determine next steps.
My mom and her oncologist agreed option three was the best
option since her body is completely shot from all the chemo. Plus, she
needs a break from appointments and the daily unknown of how she'll
feel. And honestly, I need it too. We're so desperate to achieve some
level of normalcy, even if it's only temporary.
This was a shocking blow after months of good news. I had absolute
confidence that she was going to be in the clear, so upon hearing the
news I went into complete hysterics. I fucking hate cancer...it takes so much and drains you in every way possible. And until you experience it, you cannot even begin to understand.
This is a
complete game changer and we have yet to figure out how to best move
forward. It's a sobering reminder of what we're up against. I'm mad
at myself for becoming so optimistic and thinking we could stay ahead of
this disease, but what else are you suppose to do?
I've been a mess since we got the news -- alternating between moments of being completely fine and moments of uncontrollable tears. The reality is simple...if her body is resistant to the absolute best medicine, then the chance that she's going to respond to anything else is not good (15-25% of patients respond to second-line drugs, depending on which you are given). With the previous chemo, 80% achieve a complete response, so my mom fell in that other 20%.
Our goal is to enjoy the summer and not dwell on the CT scan in September. I need to really dig deep and find the strength to get back to a good place, but damn is it hard. My mind is constantly running and thinking about the most random things. I continue to think about a future without my mom in it -- where will I go for holidays? Who will help me plan my wedding? Who will I call when I have question about being pregnant? It's these thoughts that just break me.
My mom continues to remain my rock. I am shocked by her calmness. While she took this recent news very hard, her ability to console me is what gets me through each day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I need so much support from her, but then again she is my mom and that's what mom's do best. I feel so fortunate that she can sympathize with my side of this journey.
I'm heading to DC later this week for a much needed weekend with friends. Lately I've felt very isolated, so seeing my favs will definitely lift my spirits. Boozy brunch here I come!
Happy 2nd day of summer. xoxo
Oh, and for those of you who are still not receiving automatic emails after I post, please either try again via a computer (not phone) or let me know and I will add you to the list!
